06.08.09
Numbingly Bad Guitar Video
It’s a well-known fact that access to all the amateur homespun talent on YouTube has made the world a richer place. How, for instance, could one live without all the slideshow copyright-infringing home videos uploaded by ‘fans’ sampling from their record collections? Or all the duplicates of Cherie Currie of the Runaways singing “Cherry Bomb” in her underwear and nylons for the Japanese in 1977?
It would be difficult to top the latter in its actualized potential for sheer adult embarrassment.
But DD has found lots of music-oriented stuff even more teeth-grinding and capable of getting the cold sweat out on the back of your neck.
Home videos of guys trying out their new store-bought mini-amplifiers. Static videos of the camera looking at a guitar amp with an occasional hand entering the stage to twist a knob.
This is a select group, only done for and by guys.
DD couldn’t find any female contributors. And, like last week’s ‘battle bands’ collection, it’s a challenge to endure more than 30 seconds. Persevere! With the exception of the last one, they’re all guaranteed horrendous!
The first one DD calls simply: “The Cough Syrup Addict.” Turn on the lights, buddy! It’s in “Cloverfield” approved Shakey-Cam and the very definition of ‘excruciating’ from beginning to end, including the Hendrix and Guns ‘n’ Roses stuff. As unendurable as possible, watched over twelve thousand times.
This next one is tricky. The beginning makes you think the player actually might have done the good-sounding fragment. Patience! The real thing is about to begin — a bit of bedroom ‘Stairway to Heaven’, then born to be mild AC/DC and Ozzy. Seventy thousand watches. How long do you think it took his friends and family to rack that up?
Oops! So tone deaf, he can’t tell when the guitar is out of tune! 30,000 hits! Oh, f— me, not more Ozzy and AC/DC!
Another punishing version of ‘Stairway to Heaven.’ “Awesome!” comments someone. Yeah, 71,000 instances of masochism is pretty awesome.
This next one is cheating. It’s the company’s sales rep in the firm’s pro video. Hang around, look at the annoying hairstyle. He’ll eventually get around to the patience-smashing bedroom shredding, knowing it’ll send a legion of guys like those above, to the store. And then to YouTube.
A computer nerd gives us a bird’s eye view of his very clean desk and a standard dose of bad thrash metal. Then, without even a hint of a sense of humor, some ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ and ‘Freebird.’
“OK, so I’m doing another demo of this Orange Crush amp because my other one didn’t do it justice,” says ShortScaleGearDemos. After the harsh, crystalline tone along with the bursts of tuneless feedback and chaos, DD trembles at the thought of such a ‘bad’ video. Right about now, the CEO of the maker is wondering how to get this off YouTube. Only eight thousand views, though, so damage is limited.
The one worth your patience, a video of someone playing the guitar and singing in such a way to make you jump up and shout for the glory of rock ‘n’ roll and a good song. It’s a girl! Canada’s Kathleen Edwards, singing “Cheapest Key,” onstage in Europe.
A paltry five hundred and change views. Your YouTube global market, in action.