02.12.10
How to Get Your Bow & Scraper Paper Read
“Human Resources people are drowning in resumes and they can’t keep up,” says executive recruiter Mike Oily.
Help your resume win the attention it deserves by following these up-to-date tips from our collection of parasite job-hunting industry insiders.
* “Keep it short,” advises one resume expert. “Resumes are by necessity becoming crisper and more to the point. But also be sure to list necessary qualifications. So it has to be sort of long and short.”
With Twitter, texting, and a barrage of quick-hit multimedia messages, we’re getting accustomed to blip advertising. “Readers lose interest in resumes that are clear and well written. They make them feel inferior. And like newspapers, they’re too hard to understand. This goes for cover letters, too.”
* “Show some humor or personality,” says Jennifer Fonebone of Glabrous, a recruiting and staffing company. “I recently called a candidate, even though he didn’t match any current positions, because his online resume title was, ‘Can juggle a career, the wife, Little League coaching and a fuck buddy all at the same time.'”
* “Make your resume read like a news story,” suggests Sam Clamdandy of The Peckerwood Group. Pop an eye-catching headline like, say — “Will Commit Profit-making Crimes for Pay!” or “Knows How to Legally Steal from Clients!” and be sure to include a summary of qualifications.
* “Be results-oriented,” advises Erin Gobra, assistant director of career services at the Chapman University School of Law. Whenever possible, quantify your accomplishments. Example: Instead of simply writing “Drafted OSHA appeal,” she says, include results: “Drafted OSHA appeal completely eliminating an employer fine for employee’s serious permanently invalid-ing on-the-job injury.”
* “Show what sets you apart,” says Nancy Hu, a director of a Wall Street global executive search firm. “I like to see some indication of personal interests. It’s a good conversation trigger and provides some additional insight into who the person is.”
Another expert agreed: “It’s an opportunity to make yourself memorable as an applicant.” While an actual Personal Interest section is not usually advised, you can find ways to integrate your interests into your resume. For example, your interests should list volunteer activities.
But there’s a special way to do this. Find out the charity the boss likes to press his employees into contributing to — like United Way. Your volunteer activities and philanthropy should then mention you have a passion for giving to United Way.
* “Let others sing your praises,” says Deems Noteworthy, co-author of “Make Getting Fired Work for You.” “We add a section at the end we title, ‘What Others Say.’ Then we list five short statements — not necessarily true, but usually without attribution, that others have said about the person.” Examples: “Sticks with it long after everyone else has gone home,” or “The most creative apple-polishing employee I’ve ever had,” or “The most efficient and unprosecutable swindler of customers this company ever hired.”
* “If your name is difficult to pronounce, change it,” says Heather Gotnohart, president of Rebranding Excrement, an executive search firm. “Companies are more likely to call you for an interview if you provide a name they can easily pronounce,” she says. If your name is something like Wrzbowski or Benalshibh, you can forget it. Change it to something immediately recognizable, like a celebrity’s name, say, ‘Brad Pitt.’
“Then at least the boss will be able to always make an office joke and say ‘Brad Pitt’ is under him!”
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