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Chainsaw Rally — remixed and put to YouTube found, some of it famous, some infamous. Everything you need to know about Ted Nugent in a bit over two and a half minutes.
And, yeah, he really did feel the bite of a jaggedy chain years ago.
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Ted Nugent’s fans are what Paul Fussell called ‘bottom-out-of-sighters,’ people so light in the wallet absolutely no one was interested in advertising products to them.
Fussell used it in reference to roller-derby on Saturday morning television back in the late-Sixites and Seventies in his book, Class.
Denver Westworld ran a photo essay on Ted’s fans at RedRocks amphitheatre. It’s here and worth the momentary laugh.
Reads the news weekly: “When this male Ted Nugent fan was asked about the recent investigation by the Secret Service into the Nuge regarding some controversial comments Nugent made about President Obama, his response was, ‘It’s bullshit! He [Ted Nugent] lets the FBI train on his property.'”
Yeah, the Green Berets, too. Would you believe … the local chapter of Boy Scouts of America? Well, would you believe … two guys using a metal detector to find buried old coins?
It’s also worth noting Ted’s notoriously teetotal and prone to bagging on users of spirits. So it’s fitting the only venues he plays are those where the fans are encouraged to smell strongly of drink.
Like old roller-derby, Ted’s fans also don’t buy anything except the occasional concert ticket. They don’t buy records. They may go for an occasional T-shirt.
And when Ted tried to sell his own beef jerky years ago — Ted Nugent Gonzo Meat Biltong — it went bust.
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The last two weeks have taken a toll on Ted Nugent.
The bleeped parts: “[If] you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I’ll suck your dick” and “Or I’ll fuck you …”
Most of the news pieces include a bit that Nugent had to be “rushed” to the hospital for a kidney stone problem after the interview.
Coulda always canceled and saved himself the extra grief.
I’d say get well soon, Ted, but you’d all know I’m not sincere. “And have many more,” now that’s a different matter.
This is another one that’s going to hurt Ted in the wallet. It’s one thing to be vile on-stage in some dive bar or casino in the hinterland, in a camera phone video uploaded to YouTube. It’s quite another to tell a woman off camera, in a fit of rage, that you’ll ‘fuck’ her for family-oriented network television.
Everyone will get a chance to see — finally — what Ted’s really like.
And as more and more people see it they’ll be having second thoughts about Ted’s fitness as entertainment at the county fairs. They won’t be buying that bunk about taking deathly sick children on their last fishing trips. In fact, they’ll be appalled by the thought of Ted with their children.
Manners!
An press website in Alaska published an interesting column today, one with the no nonsense title: How Ted Nugent proved a coward — or liar — during illegal Alaska hunt fiasco.
It features a long argument by Craig Medred stating the Nugent was either lying about what he knew of Alaskan hunting regulations — ignorance being the reason he claims to have broken the law, or is a “coward” for claiming fighting a misdemeanor case in court would have bankrupted him.
Medred goes on to reason that Nugent may have instead chosen not to fight the case because he was looking at a potential felony conviction under the Lacey Act. A felony case would have ended his career, at least in the short term.
It’s a nuanced argument, as well as one that condemns Nugent in no uncertain terms. It is also very fair.
Excerpted:
And here is how Nugent spun [his ifnration] all that to Handguns [magazine]:
“Just like in California, to fight the corrupt system would have bankrupted me, taken me away from my life support careers for God knows how long, and I don’t trust our court system. This Alaska charge was an unintentional technical violation of an unprecedented, never-before-heard-of law, only in the southeast region of Alaska, where if your bullet or arrow shows any sign of hitting a bear, then your tag is invalidated. I still can’t find anyone who has ever heard of such a regulation, even amongst lifetime Alaska resident hunters, guides and outfitters, even the judge in Ketchikan stated on record during the court hearing that he had never heard of such a law. I was blindsided by this, and to my knowledge, the only person to ever be charged under this bizarre regulation.”
“The corrupt system?” “An unprecedented, never-before-heard of law?” “Blindsided?” “A bizarre regulation?”
Anyone who truly believes these things fights the charge in court, or he is a coward, no two ways about it. And trust me, I’m not blowing smoke. I once spent thousands of dollars fighting the Alaska Railroad in court because of a “bizarre regulation.”
So [Nugent is] either a coward who backed away from the fight or he’s a liar when he says he violated a “never-before-heard-of law, only in the southeast region of Alaska, where if your bullet or arrow shows any sign of hitting a bear, then your tag is invalidated. I still can’t find anyone who has ever heard of such a regulation …”
He hasn’t looked very hard. I found a fair number of Alaska hunters who have heard of the regulation. Some of them are suspicious Nugent himself knew of the regulation. It was, they say, big talk among bowhunters at the time of enactment.
[The wounded-bear-as-bag-filled] law is awfully hard to enforce. Either your hunting buddies have to rat you out, or you have to save some video showing exactly what you did, which was apparently the case with Nugent. He saved the evidence that he broke the law. And he broke the law. And if he broke it knowing he was breaking it and then shipped the bear hide out of state, then the Feds can potentially slap a felony Lacey Act violation.
Nugent did not get charged with a felony. He settled with the Feds for a misdemeanor Lacey Act violation. Whether he was threatened with a felony charge nobody is saying. But if I was Nugent, and I was threatened with a federal felony charge, I would be afraid — very, very afraid. Nugent has some foundation when he says “I don’t trust our court system.”
Reads like the writer has come very close to the truth of the matter. The article, again, is here.
Threatening the President is also a felony and that is why Ted Nugent received a visit from the US Secret Service the same week he pleaded in the Alaska case.
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Good news, lads! God news! Ted gets his in Detroit.
From the Detroit Free Press, a reader caption contest for a cartoon of Ted yielded the above.
The best of the rest submissions, all here. Yeah, they sure love Ted in Detroit these days.
The lede joke in a series of good ones at the Arizona Star:
More news this week from Arizona, also known as the latest scoop from the Tea Party’s sand box.
Ted Nugent is appearing at the Pima County fair this weekend at the petting zoo. For a dollar children can feed him raw elk entrails.
The anti-abortion Arizona legislature has voted to halt all public funding of Planned Parenthood because family planning results in fewer abortions. Next they plan to reduce deaths by eliminating hospitals.
Mexicans aren’t sneaking in like they used to. Congratulations to Arizona’s politician’s and the success of their wily scheme: Make Arizona so wretched that by contrast life in Mexico is a dream.
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Convicted on another hunting violation in Alaska, Nugent released a long statement saying he was sorry. A read, if you can stand it, shows the usual font of charity and buck-stops-here responsibility and equanimity that is Ted Nugent.
He blames everyone but himself first and vows to take down the government, albeit in terms much more gentler than usual.
Ted’s sorry he had to pay 10 thousand smacks. He’s sorry he’s been embarrassed. And he’s sorry because the judge has made him say so as a condition of probation.
“America is increasingly drowning in just such strange, goofy regulations and requirements. As logic crusader John Stossel recently exposed, our federal government releases roughly 80,000 pages of new regulations each year, confusing, ambiguous, weird illogical regulations that serve no meaningful purpose other than to feebly attempt to justify bureaucracies already off the rails. It’s way past bizarre.
“The ‘you don’t need to read it, you just need to sign it’ health care bill argued before the Supreme Court was almost 2,000 pages long of extraordinarily complex rules and regulations. Sarcastically, Supreme Court Justice Scalia stated that reading the bill was a violation of the 8th Amendment’s (protection against) cruel and unusual punishment clause …
[John Stossel … yadda yadda]
“The outdoor lifestyle cannot be preserved for future generations of sportsmen by constructing such a labyrinth of confusing, unscientific and oftentimes counterproductive regulations and rules. Reversing this trend is my focus.
“While I have never intentionally violated a hunting regulation, ignorance of the law is no excuse, and I am truly sorry, and have paid dearly. There is even less of an excuse for ignorant laws.???
The wimp that roars, now one hundred Ben Franklins lighter in the loafers.
From Dennis Miller’s radio show on Wednesday, shifting the blame for his Secret Service visit, as usual. The likely story:
It was a wonderful meeting. I could not say more positive glowing respect for the men and women of federal law enforcement. The vast majority of them are absolutely dedicated. They put themselves in harm’s way every day. The Secret Service had to respond to the bizarre subhuman squalor and the lying of the Saul Alinsky fan club and the liberal Democratic cesspool that claimed I threatened the president’s life. Of course they have to respond to that …
I think the spirit in the room knew that they should have been investigating those who told them to investigate me …
On the days of the famous Grande Ballroom in Detroit:
JOHN SINCLAIR: That’s what it was like back then … everybody smoked, nobody snitched, everyone was cool — except for Ted Nugent. He was not cool, always an asshole, everybody hated him (laughs).
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I was going to hold “Jesus of America,” a satirical tune for tomorrow when I had a video ready. But vignettes from the wire today so captured an insane meanness of American spirit there seemed no point in waiting.
From AP, on the Romney budget:
Reducing government deficits Mitt Romney’s way would mean less money for health care for the poor and disabled and big cuts to nuts-and-bolts functions such as food inspection, border security and education.
Romney also promises budget increases for the Pentagon, above those sought by some GOP defense hawks, meaning that the rest of the government would have to shrink even more
[Other cuts] include food stamps, school lunches, crop subsidies, Supplemental Security Income for very poor seniors and disabled people, unemployment insurance, veterans’ pensions and refundable tax credits to the working poor.
Based on the Romney materials, it’s impossible to project the size of the cuts to such programs. Suffice it to say, they would be controversial.
“There’s good reason why Ryan’s budget and the Romney budget don’t have details,” said Jim Horney, a budget analyst with the liberal-leaning Center on Budget and Policy priorities think tank. “If people knew what it would actually have to be done to accomplish what they’re saying should be done, it’s hard to imagine there would be widespread support for it.”
Ted Nugent has been a more interesting study. The Secret Service has not shut him up but he’s fairly obviously been crippled by it. In compensation he’s pumped out two columns, one on demonizing the poor at the Washington Times, the other attacking the Lacey Act at Human Events.
Last week, Nugent accepted a plea deal in Alaska on a Lacey Act violation, transporting an illegally taken black bear over state borders.
From the WaTimes, the very poor man-woman’s Ayn Rand:
Here’s another blazing statement of the obvious: Poor people will quit being poor when our government quits enabling, bribing, training and rewarding them to be poor. Write that down.
People can and will do amazing things when Fedzilla removes its heavy bureaucratic boot off of their throats …
The very first thing that needs to be done to eliminate poverty is to stop punishing the producers and expand economic freedom …
While we desperately need to eliminate the vast controls over economic freedom on the wealthy, we also need to eliminate the government poverty programs that enable and encourage people to be poor instead of encouraging them to be free, independent, self-reliant people.
Government causes poverty because it enables poor people to continue to make poor decisions. If we want to win the war on poverty, we’ve first got to win the war against Fedzilla, which intentionally causes poverty …
Since President Obama took office, Gibson has been raided twice by federal US Fish and Wildlife agents with guns drawn over suspicious wood. That’s right, guns drawn over wood …
Federal agents seized $500,000 worth of precious musical wood from India that is used to make Gibson guitars. The feds claim the wood was imported illegally from India, a violation of a heavy-handed law known as the Lacey Act.
Gibson has not been charged with a crime in either the 2009 or the 2012 raid, yet the special wood remains in Fedzillas clutches.
Good friend and CEO Henry Juszkiewicz fears Gibson may lose market share due to the loss of this very specialized wood.
This is the result of President Obama’s Department of Injustice run amok …
Had Gibson Guitars donated money to the Democratic Party or were members of the New Black Panther Party we can be sure that there would have been no raids with guns drawn and no wood confiscated …
The column, old news on Gibson, is meaningless unless you know that last week Nugent’s lawyers accepted a plea deal on a conviction under the Lacey Act. Nugent must be apoplectic over being tagged as serial hunting scofflaw — two convictions in two years, both stemming from hunts staged for his tv show. One might imagine his reputation to be trash among reasonable hunters, people who manage to stay out of trouble — a ten k fine’s worth — and the news.
An AP article in the Juneau newspaper indirectly explains Nugent’s predicament and why he railed against the Lacey Act without mentioning himself, by way of his attorney:
The plea agreement says Nugent illegally shot and killed the bear in May 2009 on Sukkwan Island in southeast Alaska days after he wounded a bear in a bow hunt, which counted toward a state seasonal limit of one bear for that location. The agreement says Nugent knowingly possessed and transported the bear in misdemeanor violation of the Lacey Act …
“It’s kind of embarrassing for him because he practices ethical hunting and advocated ethical hunting and gets caught up in a crazy law that none of us have heard about,??? [Nugent’s attorney] said.
Nugent’s loss of that deer hunting license through June 2012 allows 34 other states to revoke the same privilege under the Interstate Wildlife Violator Compact. Each state, however, can interpret and enforce the agreement differently.
“Now if we can just blow the head clean off the Fedzilla beast in November, this sort of government abuse will come to an end, of that I am certain,” he concludes.
Paradoxically, the investigation of Gibson was started under the Bush administration.
And now — the song —“Jesus of America.”
Jesus fed the poor with loaves and fishes
He really liked the lepers, too
Then he found the land of liberty
And America taught him what to doJesus of America said don’t feed the poor…
If you do they’ll come right to your door
They’ll end up like stray cats, shedding on the floor.
That’s what Jesus said.Wealthiness, just like Godliness
That’s what Jesus taught
Jesus of America sez guns, not butter
The rest just goes all for naughtJesus of America said don’t feed the poor
They are just too lazy, they’ll never work at all
Jesus of America sez tax the weak and sick
They’re always gonna be that way, never worth a lickSing for Jesus Lord
Jesus of America, sing praise for the best
You know our faith informs us, nothing for the rest
Wealthiness leads to Godliness
That’s what Jesus taughtRepublican Jesus, he’s our favorite guy
He believes in markets, sing praises to the sky
If Jesus said it, you know it must be true
So now it’s time to whip the poor, you know what to do!
Fined $10,000 and 2 years probation for illegally bagging a black bear in Alaska. That makes two convictions in two years, making someone who constantly brags about being a great hunter, a hunting scofflaw in practice.
Rocker and wildlife hunter Ted Nugent has agreed to plead guilty to transporting a black bear he illegally killed in southeast Alaska.
Nugent made the admission in signing a plea agreement with federal prosecutors that was filed Friday in U.S. District Court.
The plea agreement says Nugent illegally shot and killed the bear in May 2009 on Sukkwan Island days after wounding a bear in a bow hunt, which counted toward a state seasonal limit of one bear.
According to the agreement, first reported by the Anchorage Daily News, the six-day hunt was filmed for his Outdoor Channel television show, “Spirit of the Wild.” In the hunt, Nugent used a number of bear-baiting sites on U.S. Forest Service property, according to the agreement.
The document says Nugent knowingly possessed and transported the bear in misdemeanor violation of the federal Lacey Act.
Nugent, identified in the agreement as Theodore A. Nugent, agreed to pay a $10,000 fine, according to the agreement, which says he also agreed with a two-year probation, including a special condition that he not hunt or fish in Alaska or Forest Service properties for one year. He also agreed to create a public service announcement that would be broadcast on his show every second week for one year, the document states.
“This PSA will discuss the importance of a hunter’s responsibility in knowing the rules and regulations …”
Ted went spastic the last time he was convicted, in California for illegal baiting.
In about a month he’ll be on some obscure good ol’ boy hunting show raving about the tyrannical government and how he was framed.
From the archives — Scofflaw Ted’s previous hunting conviction.
This one will be tough to blame on the enemy within, commies, Mao ZeDongs and Saul Alinsky’s, though. But there’s always PETA.
Ted often brags about playing for the US armed forces. In the last five years, part of his shtick has been portraying it as part of a noble obligation to support our warriors.
Just in the news, he’s been booted off an Army gig:
Citing inflammatory language while expressing his displeasure with President Barack Obama, the military has uninvited rock star and conservative political activist Ted Nugent from performing at Fort Knox in Kentucky, according to the U.S. Army post’s Facebook page.
“After learning of opening act Ted Nugent’s recent public comments about the president of the United States, Fort Knox leadership decided to cancel his performance on the installation,” it’s Facebook posting says.
Paranoid Ted promptly blamed the President. It’s never Ted’s fault:
Nugent, whose performance at Fort Knox has been canceled, blamed Obama. “I really believe that it was the President. I believe that the President said that when he went to the Memorial for these heroes, that Ted Nugent wouldn’t be allowed in the same area.”
This blog predicted the NRA rant would hurt Ted — business-wise — if it made big enough news. And it did. Try as he might, Ted just can’t call a visit from the US Secret Service a barbecue social.
Piling on, since there’s not a guy who deserves it more, here’s an old joke tune on Ted — “Chainsaw Rally” — a satire on “Cat Scratch Fever,” referring to an old accident he once had on reality tv.
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Mitt Romney’s enthusiasm over endorsement weeks ago by Ted Nugent was only more proof that he’ll never be president of the United States. As I wrote earlier this week, it’s just another in a seemingly endless chain of weird gaffes, like getting stoked over a recommendation from flesh-eating bacteria or a deer tick.
An opinion writer for the Tampa Bay newspaper gets around to the same conclusion today:
Throughout the campaign season, Republicans have been fending off accusations of being more misogynistic than Archie Bunker meets Ralph Kramden. And yet Romney practically went all weak in the knees over Nugent throwing his 16th century support in his general direction.
Even odder, apparently Romney courted Nugent’s endorsement, which has to be a bit like seeking the nod of Pete Rose to get into Cooperstown.
Women are running away in droves from the GOP, yet Romney and his giddy sons thought the squeal of approval from the rocker was way cool.
Ted Nugent has a First Amendment right to stay whatever ditsy stuff he wants, including referring to many elected female Democrats as either b——, criminals, communists or “varmints.” Varmints? In a free country you’re free to be a bore.
For his part, all Romney could muster when he was informed he had just been endorsed by a guy who makes Ike Turner look like Phil Donahue was to issue a call for greater civility. It’s a little late for that, Willard …
Perhaps Romney is of the opinion the critical Nugent blessing will help with that rootin’-tootin’, gun-toting, good ol’ boy crowd. Maybe in Nugent, the uptight, pinched Romney can vicariously live out his inner Bubba yearning to keep women in the kitchen whipping up roadkill …
As for Deliverance’s answer to Cole Porter, for all the faux bravado and delusions of persecution, don’t you suspect when the Secret Service badges showed up, Ted Nugent turned into a whimpering, apologetic … well, let’s go with varmint?
From the Washington Times, Ted explains how he was being a true patriot and it’s all those Mao ZeDongs, Che Guevaras and Saul Alinsky’s, the enemies within, who are responsible:
By no stretch of the imagination did I ever threaten anyone’s life, or hint of violence or mayhem. Metaphors needn’t be explained to educated people.
I passionately rallied the American civilian troops to stand up for what is right and demand that the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights be once again the measure of all laws and policies in America.
Then in their ever-desperate scramble to divert attention from the crimes of their communist leaders, the Saul Alinsky “Rules for Radicals??? left-wing media and terminally liberal Democrats circled their battlewagons of deceit and hate and unleashed their tsunami of lies about me and everything I said.
To me, my family and thinking America, the dysfunctional left-wing hate hysteria was laughable. I became the No. 1 global tweet entity, while every newspaper and America-hating television and radio gang literally tripped over themselves in a feeble attempt to out-lie each other.
I personally have never been prouder …
Tell it to the Secret Service. And we’ve noticed you’ve left out the metaphor about shooting the coyote urinating on the couch.
“Those who despise me blindly chant Mao Zedong and Che Guevara rants, and the difference between our good and their bad is glaring,” Nugent finishes. “Choose your side carefully, America. The shining city on the hill is under attack from within.”
Yep, we all know the writings of Mao Zedong and Che Guevara by heart. It’s a conspiracy. You saw through it, too. We, the Americommies — guilty as charged.
And he did. Off the hook. On the other hand, perhaps not feeling real good about the sentiments exposed in its controversial video of the Nugent interview, the NRA removed it from YouTube today.)
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